Eight Years Old

There was no mold to break when God created Aubree. That was the day that God said, I want to make a work of art - free hand.

I find it absolutely mind boggling that I am choking up because my daughter turns eight today. I sailed through all three children turning one, even two. I kind of snickered to myself when other moms were crying on the first days of kindergarten. I was so excited for my kids, I couldn't stop to think about the sad part, yet here I am tearing up because my second child hit eight.

Maybe it is because she terrifies me with the things she says. She has announced most confidently that she will never be older than eight. No, she does not have a terminal illness, at least not that I am aware of. She also tends to look both ways before crossing the street and always wears her seatbelt. I had to ask a few more questions, it turns out that she has just hit paranoia about age early. Instead of being 29 for twenty years, she has picked out the ripe old age of eight. Why? Because nine is old. Good to know.

Maybe it is exactly because I am afraid that she is growing up, and growing out of those annoying, yet so endearing, quirks of hers. I miss the littler girl she used to be, yet part of me is screaming "Hallelujah!" that she has calmed down a bit. She has always been a little bit off of the temperature of normal. She tends to take something normal and add a few degrees, or maybe more than a few degrees.

I know that one day I will be beaming at the beautiful young woman that she will become, but gosh darnit, for now, i am okay with her being eight for as long as she wants.

So, I havent posted all summer long. This is not because I have not had things to say, or even that I have not had the time. I simply have not gotten around to it. I admire those that can blog on a regular basis. I guess if I was writing for the purpose of an audience, I might write more often.

We continued with my daughter's therapy. We ended a few weeks ago, it gets expensive to pay $40 every week. The therapist was good, but I felt like what he kept saying was that we needed to be consistent. We can do that without spending $40 a week.

So, my daughter has ODD, ADHD, specific phobias and Asperger-like features. Still not sure if she has Aspergers or not. We have seen massive improvements in her. She is still lonely, but seems to be okay as long as she has her brother or sister to play with. We have just started a new year in school and so far things are going well. Her teacher came highly recommended. My daughter really likes her so far because "she smiles when she says my name instead of giving me a funny look with her eyes".

I love my husband, things got rough for awhile, but are better than ever. We were both just horribly over-stretched and over-stressed. I think we have learned to work better together to make sure that we both get what we need.

We had a lot of fun this past summer and I was loathe to see it end. We went on a lot of "field trips" and did some fun activities at home. I miss the older kids when they go away to school.

I have learned to hate over the summer. This is not a thing that I am proud of, but it is the truth. I don't like how I feel when I hate.

I have learned that most often people do not learn from their mistakes, and too often other people either facilitate that or have to stand on the sidelines because they have learned that it will do no good and they will be in trouble if they do say anything.

Things I have learned or wanted to say, but would not or could not because I am a coward and don't want to feel the heat for saying it:

What I learned: Just because a person writes in big words or big thoughts does not mean that they are smart or wise. If you were to judge people solely on what they write, you still wouldn't have any clue of what their real lives are. I have been reading a blog of a family member because she asks me my thoughts on it. Her blog is very well written and she has some killer wisdom in there. (It is an advice blog). However, excuse me for laughing at someone proclaiming to be and advising everyone else to be self-reliant when they are a supposed adult and live in their parents' basement because they refuse to hold a real job. Or when they write about people not learning from their mistakes and you are forced to watch them make the same stupid mistake for the third time and all you can do is feel sorry for whatever "lucky guy" happens to fall for her and for whatever kids have to suffer for it - hers, mine and if the "lucky guy" has some , them too.

What I wanted to say:
You don't have to kiss a hundred frogs to find your prince if you are a princess. I don't mean a diva, I mean a princess - dignified, kind and put others needs ahead of yours.

Just Life Now

I think that it has been about two weeks since I last posted. There has been a lot going on, nothing too crazy, but it has kept me busy.

Some of the fun things - my little sister graduated from nursing school. I can not stress how proud I am of her. She has three boys, ages 11, 8 and 5. Her husband walked out on her four and a half years ago. She worked so hard to continue in nursing school, work full-time and still be there for her boys. She couldn't have done it without help, but SHE did it and I am so proud of her. It would have been much easier to give up school and not work graves, but she did what she needed.

My mom turned sixty-two. For her birthday and Mothers' Day, I bought a whole slew of flowers and planted her a perennial shade garden in the back and some perennials and annuals in her front garden. She loves to have flowers, but her health and my dad's health is not such that they can really keep up with that, so I got the pleasure of doing it for them. I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope that they will be able to enjoy it all summer long.

My ten year old came home with a black eye last Wednesday. Turns out he also had a concussion. I was a little worried, but felt that he would be okay. He is a trooper and seems to be fully recovered now. He is so excited to get back to baseball.

My one year old decided that she wanted to be potty trained. HURRAY! Then, she changed her mind. Oh well. It really was too much to hope to have her potty trained by nineteen months, wasn't it?

My seven year old is having a lot of ups and downs. Consequently, so are we. My husband and I are celebrating the little victories that others may take for granted. She now goes to sleep most nights the same time as our other children. This means no screaming or stalling for three to four hours. This is HUGE! We are still working on some other issues, but we are so pleased with her progress so far. Church was an absolute hellish experience this past week, which is kind of ironic, but I have hope and nobody gave me dirty looks. (Okay, so I have an awesome congregation, they never have done the dirty look thing). Things are going to be awesome. Things are already good and I have no reason to believe that they won't be getting better.

Today has been a hard day

One of the problems with problems in life is that you don't get to deal with them one at a time.

I think I live a pretty charmed life on some fronts, and I used to think that I was resilient. I don't handle stress well. I don't think I ever have. I do think that I used to have better outlets. When you are single and don't really have the responsibility of taking care of other people it's a lot easier to get a break. I used to swim competitively, I took a lot of my frustrations out on the water. I also used to climb trees and swing on ropes when I was stressed - my body frame no longer allows that stress relief. I used to be able to go for a walk by myself to clear my head. I now have three children and I can barely use the restroom by myself; I do, but it is not without consequences at times. The time will come when I will be able to have more time to clear my head, and I am pretty sure that I will miss the days when my kids really needed me.

I still believe that people are generally good. I still believe that I can benefit from knowing people, even if the benefit is that I learn that some people are not good and it is better to not waste my time with them. I generally like people, I can find good in anyone, but I am learning that sometimes it is better to not focus on the positives of some people and to let myself recognize the negative and RUN!! Mean and broken people don't get fixed by people being nice to them. People that are nice to them end up eating the crap that mean and broken people produce. I will never condone being mean, even to mean people. I will condone being civil and distancing myself/yourself from the situation. Don't stay around hoping that it will get better because chances are that it will get worse.

Anyway, back to the charmed part. I have what I consider almost a fairy tale life on some fronts. I was wise enough to marry a good man. That is not to say a perfect man, but let's face it, my husband did not marry a perfect woman either. Anyway, I have a pretty good marriage - it has taken work, but it is pretty good. I am fortunate to be able to stay home with my three little kiddos. I didn't always have that opportunity and that makes me even more grateful to have that opportunity now. They are awesome and are free from major physical illnesses. I have a roof over my head in a safe and good neighborhood. I have food on my table and in my fridge. When water comes out of my tap, it is safe to drink. I love and honor my parents and they are a great support to me. I also have good siblings who know the bad and still love me, even if we don't always get along. I have some wonderful friends. I realize that I have it good, and I know many people who have not been as fortunate. I am grateful for what I have.

That said - I don't handle stress well lately and I have a few stresses. Nothing insurmountable, and if they hit separately, I think I'd do just fine. I am dealing with mean people, my daughter's diagnosis and beginning therapy with my daughter, some weird health issues of my own and feelings of guilt and inadequacy that are mostly unfounded but still plague me and then there is just life.

Like I said, nothing that I can't and wont handle, but can I just say today has been a hard day.

This past week has been a roller coaster - go figure, who's life isn't?

We found one provider who was recommended by our pediatrician and was covered by our insurance. Luckily, my daughter liked him.

We went in answered questions and discussed a few issues that we were having. The therapist had also spoken with our pediatrician. Based on our discussions and the paperwork and discussions with our pediatrician, our daughter has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), specific phobias and a provisional diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. After reading up on ODD, I had to agree that she really did have/has it. I guess I didn't realize it was as bad as it was because it had become my normal. We knew that it was bad if we made her go to school or church or do anything she didn't want, so we only pushed the non-negotiables. The phobias were a no-brainer as well, and Aspergers had been in the back of my mind for awhile.

There will be a complete psycho-social workup completed in the next few months - as soon as we can get it cleared through our insurance. Then we should be able to find out the extent of everything. In the meantime, we start behavioral therapy for the phobias and the ODD. These should also help us with the Aspergers. The therapy will include parenting classes for my hubby and me, and some family therapy to help all of us know how to thrive. For the first time in a long time I have some real hope that things can get better for us.

I feel that five and a half years ago we were led to our neighborhood. We didn't know why, we were never planning on moving to the area that we moved to. We went through our house and had decided against it, it was just a little bit above what we had wanted to pay. The current owner called our agent and told her that he felt we should be in this house and was willing to negotiate, so we came back and looked at the house. We put in our offer and it was accepted.

I believe that we were led here, in part, because of what we are now going through. This would have happened no matter where we moved to, but here there is a support network and adults who are not afraid of spectrum disorders in children. In our little neighborhood sub-section of 110 houses, I know of eleven children with spectrum disorders. Most are from the same families, and spectrum disorders do tend to run in families, so that isn't shocking. Many of these families also feel like they were led here as well. I have to believe that there is no coincidence that we were all led here.

I have had the opportunity to associate with the parents of these children, and also with the children for the past five years in various capacities. I have grown to be friends with many of the parents and love the children. I have been able to see some of the strengths that these children have and have nothing but admiration for these parents. That was all before I knew that I would be joining their club. It's not a club I wanted to join, but I can't think of better people to be in a club with. I feel for all of those parents who don't have the benefit of actually personally knowing other people who are in the same boat. I don't think that I would have the hope that I have now, and I know that I would feel very alone. It's impossible for me to feel alone with this here.

So. I'll just state this right up front - this post will come across as highly self-righteous. Since, I am just doing this to get things off of my chest, I figure that every once in a while, I can do that.

So, I HATE DIVORCE. That said, I understand that there are VERY legitimate reasons for some divorces. I have even cheered at the end of some marriages. That said, I still think it is, for the most part, evil. It may be a necessary evil, but it is still evil.

Between my husband and I, we have six siblings. One has never been married, so that leaves five siblings. Four of them have been divorced and remarried. At least half of them have taken the time to make much better decisions the second time around. They admitted that there were things that they did that contributed to the divorce, worked on themselves and married awesome people. We are very happy for them.

We have also been through the divorce of cousins and good friends. I will admit, as will my husband, that we are not privy to all of the going ons in their marriages, thank goodness. I would never wish to be privy to all of that, nor would I want anyone to know all the ins-and-outs of my marriage.

Sometimes, people make very stupid decisions. They have that right, but I am sick of being dragged into it. You want to get married - fine. You want to get divorced - that's your business, but you need to be aware that it effects more than just the two people who were married. You do not have the right to tell everyone else, or your ex, for that matter, who they can talk to, who they can stay friends with or ask them to take sides. I don't want to take sides and I don't want to know the dirty laundry. There were times that I thought I did, but after I found out things, I realized that I really didn't want to know and I always felt worse after. Please, if you feel the need to divorce, don't make it a divorce for everyone else in your lives.

Marriage is not easy. I love my husband and he loves me, but after almost thirteen years of marriage, I can honestly say that there were times when both of us would have been "justified" in walking away by today's standards - and it would have been wrong for us to do it. My children deserve a stable environment, my parents don't need more heartache, and I am so much better off for having stayed and working things out, my husband too. (At least that is what he says when we talk about it. His actions say so too, but you would have to ask him.)

Please know, that I understand that some marriages are beyond repair. I understand that some mistakes are made and I do have compassion towards that. I just don't appreciate when mistake is compounded upon mistake and my family has to pay the price for it, but we get no say in it and are told that we just have to live with it. Truth is, we don't have to live with it, we can choose to stay away from the disaster of your decisions, and it is not wrong of us to do so. If that makes you feel self-conscious, that's okay with me. If you can leave your marriage because your not happy, we can leave our associations with you because we are not happy with the way our relationship has developed.

Well, that's the end of my self-righteousness for this post. Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.

So, yesterday we went in for an assessment for our daughter. The verdict - based on the paperwork from us and the school, and personal experience with her (by our pediatrician) - she's COMPLICATED! It needs to be further looked into and she needs to be looked at by a child psychologist or psychiatrist that deals with diagnosis.

My daughter is beautiful, strong-headed, spirited and unique (much like most children). The difference with her is the level she takes it all to. She has an incredible imagination and she uses it - sometimes with incredibly brilliant results and sometimes to the point of debilitating fear. She appears at first glance to be fearless, but she is riddled with the most absurd and infuriating fears. She has no fear of public bathrooms, but ask her to go into the bathroom in our house and she is in a puddle of tears because of the squids that she believes live in the pipes of our house.

The girl wont sleep. We try putting her to bed at 8:00 and after multiple trips to place her back in her bed, we usually have her asleep between eleven o'clock and midnight. She loves her room during the day, but at night it frightens her. We thought it was a control issue, but she is in cold sweats and really freaked out.

We worry for her because she doesn't have a lot of friends. As such, she is very lonely and is easily swayed to do inappropriate things just so people will play with her. Luckily, she is not good at keeping secrets and we do watch her closely, so nothing too bad has occurred. I just know that it is a lot easier to keep your eye on a seven year old than a teenager, so I really hope we can get this figured out and learn some strategies to help her.

As of this point, I can not find any providers that are covered by our health insurance. So, I will be calling them on Monday to see if there are any that were not listed on the website.

I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed when I combine this with a few other things that are going on in our lives, but I am hopeful that all will be improving and okay. I know that so many others have things so much worse, and I feel very blessed for what I do have.

This has been a hard week for me. I'm in a little bit over my head (okay, so what's different about every other week?). I know that I will make it through this and am fairly confident that in a few months or so I will look back on this week with nostalgia and think," Remember that time when life was so simple?"

I have been struggling with my seven year old - I pretty much have struggled with her since she was one. I like to call it the second child syndrome - you know - sassy, doesn't listen to a word I say, just extreme in almost everything she does. We (my husband and I) know that she struggles. She doesn't really fit in with other kids, especially other girls and she hasn't figured out that rules, societal or otherwise, apply to her. We have tried so many different "methods" and I most often feel like I have failed her as a mother. I'm really quite tired of feeling like a failure and wish that I could find some better way to help her. We had her evaluated at age three and she was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Attention Deficit. I thought that all three year olds could qualify as ADD and ODD. They also felt that she had been molested based on a drawing she drew. The drawing was of a dog toy, they didn't believe me until I brought the dog toy in - then they told me the dog must be important and not to get rid of him. I was not impressed and felt like I obviously was not going to get any real answers or help through that avenue. I finally got the courage to have her evaluated again. I hope that I can get some answers so that I can get the help I need to help her.

My husband sprung on me that we are taking a vacation next week. He asked for the time off and left it to me to get everything else taken care of (I love that part). I had three appointments scheduled for the kids next week, talked to their teachers, arranged for a dog sitter and a substitute for my Sunday School class. I was able to book a hotel right across the street from Disneyland and now I just have to get five people ready, bake a dozen sugar cookies (crazy little story), get the car drained and refilled of all fluids and register the car as it will expire as soon as we get home. I think this is all very doable and I am so looking forward to a reprieve from the everyday is the same blues.

Feels good to vent.

I am only creating this blog as an outlet for my thoughts. It is not called the blog that I don't want family to see because there will be anything shameful or embarrassing on it, although there may be; I wanted to create a safe place to express myself.

I have a lot of opinions and I am surrounded by people that have a lot of opinions. Unfortunately, a lot of the people that I am surrounded by also have no clue how to treat people with differing opinions with any sort of respect. I don't like conflict, but also don't see why there has to be conflict when people don't share the same opinions. I wish that people could treat each other as civilly in political and philosophical debates as they do about menu choices. I realize there is a little bit more at stake in politics and philosophy than what one likes to eat for dinner, but I still wish they could be treated civilly.

I am a mother, a wife and all sorts of other roles in a family. I relish my roles in the family, even if sometimes they (family and my roles) drive me crazy. I also like to think that I am a fairly decent friend. At any rate, I try to be.

I have not yet met a person that I can not find something about them that is positive. That is not to say that I like everyone - I like most everyone that I have met - it is to say that I believe that everyone has something I can learn from and appreciate. I may not agree with them, but I can learn something from them and become a better person from having known them.