Knuckleheads All Around

I AM A KNUCKLEHEAD!!

I said it and I meant it. Most of the people I meet are, at one time or another, knuckleheads. Right now, I think my husband is a knucklehead - a knucklehead who is trying very hard to not be a knucklehead, but that is what he is.

I have not mentioned in my previous posts that I am overweight. I have not mentioned that I had difficult pregnancies, followed by difficult recoveries. I have not mentioned that when I get stressed, I tend to eat, and not always the most healthy of food. I have not mentioned that I have let myself go. I have not mentioned my intense dislike for doctors using me as a test subject, or doctors who feel that I as a person should be dismissed because I am overweight, therefore that must be the whole reason that I have the health issues that I do. I realize that me being overweight is still my fault. I have had some control over it, and have not taken the steps needed.

This past summer, in addition to my daughter's counseling, I also got to spend a lot of time at the gynecologist office. It was confirmed that I could have another child, but that it would be extremely unwise to do so. In addition to that, I had some "woman" health issues that left me very tired, very cranky and very, very afraid. To put it bluntly, I was bleeding far more often than I was not. I was bleeding in far greater quantities than were healthy and no one could tell me why. Test after test was run. All the typical little things were ruled out. All the tests were coming back inconclusive. That left the big things, the things that I couldn't even bring myself to talk about. I had people I knew die of the things that I couldn't talk about, and I knew that by the time symptoms showed, uterine and or ovarian cancer are fatal - it's usually just a matter of how long you have. So, I was more than a little stressed. Luckily, the final test came back that I did not have cancer, I just bleed very heavily and synthetic hormones affect me more strongly than most. So, I can not use any synthetic hormones. Now, I still have problems, but I can live a more normal life and I am not so stressed out.

In addition my husband chose this inopportune time to inform me that because of the weight I had put on, he was no longer physically attracted to me. As if this was not bad enough, he has put on every bit as much weight as me - and he doesn't have the three pregnancies, the complications they caused and the other health problems I have had. In other words, what a big old hypocrite he was. He blamed him actually saying this on him having ADHD. I've always known he did, I just know that is such a cop out that it is not even funny.

I recognize that he has the right to that opinion, and it isn't as if I was so dense that I didn't already believe that he felt that way. But he actually SAID IT, out loud after pouting around the house for 2-3 days. It is one thing to think it, and a totally different thing to hear it and know it.

He, of course, realized that what he said was not a wise thing to do and apologized, and I wanted to let it go. I really did, but it was always there in the back of my head. He stepped up his good behavior and tried to do better, but it was always there. After about three months, I finally started to make some progress and then I got the second hammer hit - not his fault, but still a hammer hit.

My hubby informed me that he felt like his ADHD was starting to affect his work and he felt like he might need to get some treatment for it. We had heard of a doctor in the area that did neural mapping and therapy together and that people were having great success with this. We thought we would give that a try, it was a non-medicinal treatment and his work would not find out because he is not a covered provider so we would be paying for everything out of pocket. He had a multi-page questionnaire that he needed to have filled out for the initial consultation. I was an idiot and picked it up. We had discussed the questionnaire and I thought that we had pretty much covered it, but I didn't realize how much he had left out in our discussions. He again stated that he did not find me physically attracted. So, I felt like the previous three months had been a lie. I felt used and betrayed. I was a knucklehead for reading, and he was a knucklehead.

He now says that he no longer feels that way. He now thinks that I should believe him when he says that, but I can't. I still love him, but I think he is a total and complete knucklehead and it bothers me that he can't understand my reasons. It bothers me that he thinks that me not believing him is a worse thing than what he did. I guess that's all I have to say about that.